aguu: tofu! (cute)
[personal profile] aguu
I still don’t have any idea how to describe myself. Personality-wise, I am an INFP, meaning Introversion, Intuition, Feeling and Perceiving. I live most comfortably inside my head and it’s difficult for me to express feelings if I’m not comfortable with a person. This is especially true when I really, really want to get to know a person…especially if my feelings are above and beyond friendship.

It’s undeniably painful to hear things said about you and make you second-guess yourself…hearing things like I have this tendency to be “possessive” and that I tend to make the person I like feel as if I’m suffocating them…but what hurts even more is that I can’t express it in a way that won’t make me sound like I’m overreacting, or exaggerating, or I’m acting like we’re in a relationship when we really aren’t…( TДT) it’s equally difficult to deal with the feeling that I’m just not good enough…

Lately, I’ve heard that someone has said that I was difficult to understand. I’m not the kind of person who just goes around and screams that I like someone. It’s…a process. No matter how inconsistent you are, I will always find a way to understand you. I’ve gone through a period of my life wherein I felt like I could do nothing right. I have had people use me to gain my friends, then would find a way to make me the bad person, and then I would be alone again.

My heart was very heavy and I had to deal with all of these things on my own, but I managed to get out of it all right. But I had one instance where my world was dark and I had lost all my penchant for living. I was living day by day because I had to, not because I sincerely wanted to. That was the time my depression and anxiety during high school was at its’ worst. I had no friends in class, and was tolerated because I was part of them; and I was very eager to meet my friends at the Table for lunch and recess and dismissal…

But before I met my friends, being a high school freshman was difficult if you were naive and trusted people too easily. Though I’ve forgotten my original reasons; I have wanted to die. Whenever I would try though–something would make it stop. Make me stop. I never tried to hurt myself with a razor, though I would feel spiteful towards cars that would stop when I wanted to cross a busy road…I would feel irritated when people would ask if I had an adult with me to buy prescription medicine.

Eventually, I just realized that if I couldn’t find a way to end my life, then I would live it until I died, without purpose, without reason. I thought that was okay, to live emptily because there seemed to be something inside of me that nothing could fill.

Funnily enough, the same person who ‘saved’ me was in my life until I was strong enough to live without him, and cut himself abruptly from my life as he came in it. Expectedly, I didn’t take it well at all. He returned briefly and forcefully took something that wasn’t his, and coincidentally, I moved to another country after that, so I could start over again.

A friend told me that “change in scenery calms and locks past memories.” Perhaps that was what happened when I went to a new place. I liked the rustic New Zealand, the library…it was a place that made me feel safe in the cold, safe in the sun, and it made me feel like I could begin again.

…then the dream ended when we came back. I came back with a new lease on life and started to take control of my own life by transferring and enrolling in a school and a course that I thought I would enjoy very much…

I had new friends and I was trying to be a better version of myself. And…it worked, for the most part. I go through periods of not caring about people, to caring, to being lazy and unfulfilled and wanting to start all over again. In games, I want to suddenly delete my file and go to NewGame, with another name and another purpose.

I continued to be confused and neutral, except to the people that I grew close to. And to one person whose closeness would mean the world to me…

…I always seem to mess up, and that makes me feel like an inadequate person; like I’m not worthy enough for their time. I have been called approachable, sarcastic, cold, quiet, interesting, amusing, unpredictable, lovable, annoying, irritable, a backstabber, a bitch, a queen, a princess…

all these titles are pretty hard to live with. All of these pre-conceived notions of me…but, I suppose as long as I have my real friends, and people who love me, then I’ll find a way to survive it, somehow. I used to think that I could live with whatever anyone called me, as long as there was a person…or a group of people I could turn to for anything, without feeling like a burden towards them.

The feeling of knowing that I can unburden my troubles, my fears, my weaknesses on someone and have them understand me and love me despite it…

I truly do want to be closer to you. But…I don’t know how or why. If I really was making you happy, then why would I hear all these things said about me…from you?

I honestly do want to understand you. And deep inside, as I grew to like you, I saw the subtle differences in your smiles, your attitude, your anger…even the loneliness. It was a hard thing to deal with, knowing that you are deeply in love (or infatuated, or obsessed…like I sometimes think I am…) with someone else, but as long as you were happy…that was what truly mattered. I paid for that person because I know you want to be with them…and even as I wait, I hope that whatever you are dealing with, others are helping too, in their own way…

Maybe if I was more assertive before…

Maybe if I told everyone that “Yes, I do like you. I know what others think of you, and I don’t care–the important thing is, I like you. Even if it is futile, even if it is a grim ending, I would like to try being with you.” then would anything have changed?

It’s difficult because the more I wanted to share these feelings, the more it was apparent that I shouldn’t…because you carry heavier burdens than others, and even if I don’t want to find out why, it still reflects on your face and your actions…

That was why I was probably suffocating you without realizing it…and for that end, I’m truly sorry.

So while it lasted, I drank in all the moments–all the pain and the joy and the hurt and the love–because being in the moment was important to me…

I said “I don’t like commitment,” and you said the same thing…but I forgot to add, “…but I like it if it’s with someone I like.”

No matter what your reasons are, no matter what you decided to do, you did it, right? And until now…I don’t know what to think. I do want our friendship to be as close as we used to be, before things started to get awkward and weird…I do keep memories of having fun, just the two of us, even if they were few…because when you laughed or smiled with just me, I felt the warmth that I wanted to feel with you.

There is a certain smile you have that I like…and I only saw it once…when I went to that house in Taytay for the first time–and you put on your glasses because I wanted to have a picture of you wearing them; because I thought that you would never wear them again. It was warm and full and open, you see…just like the time I hugged you when you were sick…because I felt that in that state, you were approachable…and open…

You know…these are all things I’ve wanted to say for a very long time. But I just couldn’t find the right time.

I hope you’re having fun and that you’re being cared for. And if ever you pass by again, even if you treat me coldly because I have been ignoring you–I’ll smile and say “It’s been awhile,” and leave it at that.

If I wasn’t so scared that I would mess up and jepordize my friendship with you, or whatever this could be (if I have any hope left, or you may have been just leading me on because you don’t want to reject me and hurt my feelings…) or whatever this is…and if it has been irrevocably changed, I would like to work at it…if possible…

I just…I can live a life without you just fine, but it would feel empty and sad…

Maybe when we meet again, I’ll be less awkward…and maybe you’ll tell me what you honestly feel…

It was a surprise to know that you think I’m hard to understand…because I had always thought that you understood me…and that I was just the one who always misunderstood you…

But for now, I’ll leave my feelings here, on this page.

I can really relate to the girl from Amnesia…because one of my “true selves” is shy and unsure of myself, while another is the side of me that is crazy and wild and witty. The heroine from Amnesia seems soft-spoken, but before she lost her memories, she seemed to be assertive…

And in reality, being called a yandere is scary. I can be overprotective and obsessive about people, but I wouldn’t kill if they loved someone else.

Maybe…in the end…true understanding is also understanding when a person needs space, and to trust that they will come back, and that they didn’t leave you and move on…

^_^; I hope that this helps others understand me…because writing all of this down is liberating.
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